When I was a little girl making plans and dreaming of having a baby inside my womb, having a baby shower, endless people wanting to rub my belly, unimaginable excitement seeing a little body and face on the sonograms, and the giving birth part right down to snuggling little baby bits against me. Nothing could ever compare or come close to the reality of it all when it comes down to it. Count it all joy if you will but I worried more than anything about every single thing. Nothing went smoothly and everything was stressful but I was blessed and thankful for sure. I thought the day would never come where I would see a positive pregnancy test and then that day arrived and I was never so scared before in my whole life until you came into this world. There is nothing quite like carrying around another human being you and someone you love created inside your body. It’s a miracle and it’s an amazing and painful experience. Out of this world and on the next level of unimaginable and unexplainable really. Nothing compared to the day I was scheduled for your arrival. The day you were to be born and for me to meet you…finally!
On August 27, 2013, Tuesday night, I had to fast after midnight because my cesarean section was scheduled for 7 am and I was due to arrive at 5 am. I went to bed knowing I was going to be going to bed for the last night with my baby inside my belly and by sundown tomorrow night I would go to sleep with my baby in my arms. It was the scariest and most amazing feeling in the world. I was full of fear but I was so miserable at less than 5 inches tall and 39 weeks pregnant and swollen to the maximum. It was time to meet you soon!
August 28, 2013, Wednesday morning, me and my husband arrived at the hospital a few minutes late (as always) and to our surprise the mom scheduled before me was late too so we were okay being late. After getting all set up and doing all the work ups and signing papers and such, they come get me to go to the back to get my spinal. I was going alone without the hubby and I was terrified. I started crying right when we got to the O.R. until the one of the nurses phones started ringing and it was a hilarious ringtone. I cheered up a little but this was different from any other trip to the operating room. This time I wasn’t being worked on or having something removed while I’m sleeping. I was having a baby! I was becoming a mother! I was going to be a new person and have a purpose in this life that actually mattered and someone needed me for EVERYTHING!!!!!! My emotions were all crazy and I was beyond scared, terrified, worried, and in a panicked state. I wanted to bail out and run but there is no going back. I needed to relax and let them stick me with the big needle and I was so nervous that I wouldn’t shut up. They eventually jabbed me and I started to go numb. Then the worry kicked in for my sweet baby.
What will this be like for her? Will this birth be like a death for her? Will she be scared when she sees faces and lights and feels people pulling on her? I was worried about her now and didn’t care about me anymore. Live or die, I didn’t care as long as my baby was okay and alive and not scared. Amazing how things change when you have a child involved and it is your very own.
The doctors are in the room and I am feeling like I am about to puke everywhere. They give me some meds to help with the nausea. Then my husband walks in and touches my face and I am 99 percent better because he is my person and he always makes me feel better. My nerves are all over the place and seeing my husband and being able to talk to him made things so much easier for me.
Eventually I heard the doctor say “she is definitely a little girl”. The incision was made and they were about to pull her out. She said ” You might feel some pressure”. All I felt was relief and some nausea right after and then I was extremely tired. It was due to the medicine they gave me for pain and the blood loss. I then got to see my baby for the first time. My reaction was tears and “Hey baby”! “My sweet baby”! She was so perfect and she wasn’t even crying yet because she needed her nose and mouth pumped good.
Then she cried and my world shattered and came together and fell apart and exploded and was full. It was earth shattering and mind-blowing to hear MY BABY cry for the first time. It was beautifully heartbreaking all at once. It was intense and touching and it was the best sound I had ever heard in my entire life. I was surely blessed. No doubt that God and Heaven is real and miracle happen. She was my miracle, my angel and saving grace. She was my calling and my everything and the very thing I had hoped for all my life.
She was handed to me and pressed against my skin. I have to admit I feared dropping her or her slipping but the mom she brought out of me would have rather die than let anything happen to her. It was the greatest gift and most precious ever to get to finally hold my little baby in my arms. I kissed her and cried with such overwhelming emotion. I thanked God for the abundance of blessing in a small baby girl package. I prayed for her and watched her as they took her to the incubator for a little while in my room. She didn’t want to latch on to breast feed and we continued to try consistently. Her blood sugar was low because of me having gestational diabetes so we ended up using formula as well as continuing trying the boob. You were perfect and I was the happiest mother in the world. I wanted to shout my the roof tops that I had finally received my sweet angel from God and I was going to love her make sure she was taken good care of for all eternity.
I couldn’t sleep at all that day and even into the night-time because I was too scared she would stop breathing in your sleep or I would miss her face. The fear of missing her was so bad that I fought off sleep and stayed awake to hold her and just stare at the her face. I had never seen beauty so pure in the rarest form. I felt emotions I had never felt or even knew existed before and I was overwhelmed and I indulged in every ounce of it. Love has never measured on a scale comparable to this and it was amazingly scary and incredible.
Fast-forward to today, 4 years later. Today is my daughter’s 4th birthday. Her name is Averi and she is in pre-k and she is still the most beautiful angel I have ever seen in my life. I wish I could still hold her like she was a baby without getting a backache but she is a big girl now. She has accomplished so much in her short years. She was born with a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. On August 28, 2013, we had no idea she had anything medically wrong with her. She was our perfectly healthy baby girl. She is still perfect and will always be perfect and she has come a long way from day 1 to this day on her 4th birthday. She is my love bug and my princess. Although it’s not all smiles and giggles around here with her all the time, she is loved more than anything in this world by her dad and me. She is our everything and I hope one day she has a baby girl and can see just how it feels to be in my position looking back on the day she became a mommy. Happy Birthday Averi Grace!